The Lazy Gym Rat's Guide to Love & Minimal Exercise

Dear Fellow Couch Potato,
If you're reading this instead of working out, congratulations - you're my kind of people. Let me tell you a story about how I found love while pretending to exercise...

Chapter 1: The Accidental Gym Membership

It all began on a Tuesday (or was it Wednesday? Who keeps track when you're unemployed?). My best friend Ningtyas had gifted me a 3-month gym membership for my birthday, which felt like the equivalent of gifting someone a colonoscopy.

"You need to get out of your apartment!" she said, as if fresh air wasn't freely available outside.

So there I was, Alex, professional Netflix binger, standing in the fluorescent-lit hellscape of "Iron Paradise Gym," wearing yoga pants I'd previously only used as pajamas.

Lazy Pro Tip #1: Always choose the treadmill nearest to the water cooler. This creates the illusion you're hydrating like a serious athlete when really you're just avoiding actual exercise.

Chapter 2: The Pretend Workout Routine

My carefully crafted workout plan looked something like this:

1. Walk slowly on treadmill while watching cooking shows on phone (15 min)
2. Light stretching near the cute guy doing squats (20 min)
3. Take selfie in mirror to prove I went to gym (5 min)
4. Shower using their free shampoo (priceless)

It was during Phase 2 of this rigorous routine that I first noticed Uttami. Tall, sweaty, and currently struggling with what appeared to be 200 pounds of pure terror (the bench press).

"You might want to actually put your hands on the bar," I called out helpfully as the weights wobbled dangerously above his chest.

He shot me a look that mixed gratitude with embarrassment. "I was... testing my core strength?" he tried.

"Impressive core scream I just heard," I nodded solemnly.

And that, kids, is how you flirt at the gym: by pointing out when someone might die.

Chapter 3: The Smoothie Bar Meet-Cute

The gym's smoothie bar became our neutral territory - the DMZ between Exercise Land and Normal People World. I was "recovering" from my grueling 1.5 mph treadmill session with a peanut butter-chocolate-banana atrocity when Uttami plopped down across from me.

"That's 800 calories," he observed, eyeing my drink.

"And?" I took an aggressive slurp. "I walked here from the parking lot."

He laughed, which was good because I was half-ready to throw my sweat towel at him. Turns out he was:

• A graphic designer (artistic!)
• Also only there because of a concerned friend (solidarity!)
• Terrible at counting reps (endearing!)

Lazy Pro Tip #2: The smoothie bar is the real gym social hub. Why lift when you can sip and flirt?

Chapter 4: Our First Non-Gym Date

After three weeks of pretending to work out near each other, Uttami asked me out. To an actual restaurant. Where calories aren't displayed like criminal charges.

"So," he said over pasta, "what's your real opinion of the gym?"

"It's a building full of mirrors where people pay to feel bad about themselves," I said through a mouthful of garlic bread. "You?"

"I once saw a man grunt so hard he pulled a hamstring checking himself out."

It was love.

Romantic Takeaway: Find someone who loves you enough to skip leg day with you.

Chapter 5: The Lazy Couple's Workout Plan

One year later, here's our actual fitness routine as a couple:

Activity	Calories Burned	Fun Factor
Walking to fridge during commercials	4	★★★★★
Debating whether to get up	1.5	★★★
Carrying all grocery bags in one trip	12	★★ (but impressive)
Sex	[REDACTED]	★★★★★★★★★★

Lazy Pro Tip #3: Relationship goals should be measured in shared naps, not squat PRs.

Epilogue: Still Not Fit, Very Happy

We never became gym people. Ningtyas has accepted this. Our gym membership now serves as a very expensive locker rental (pro tip: they never check if you actually exercise).

Sometimes we'll go "work out," which means:

1. Take the elevator to the gym floor (safety first)
2. Use the massage chairs
3. Judge people doing CrossFit
4. Get smoothies

And that's how you turn a fitness journey into a love story - by barely moving and eating a lot of post-"workout" snacks.

The End. Now go cancel your gym membership and cuddle.